Home Owner Associations are THE DEVIL!!!!

I had this nagging feeling that I'd live to regret moving into a community where the "Deed Restrictions are Strictly Enforced". When we made an offer on the house we live in, I requested copies of the HOA guidelines. We never got them until after we closed on the house, and then we had to go to the HOA office and get them ourselves. Our realtor was of no help.

Once I read the guidelines I was horrified at the stuff these HOA nazis have power over. There are five, yes FIVE, pages of plants we are allowed to use in our landscaping. The best part -- that's for both the front AND back yards. Who knew that someone else could tell me what I can plant in my own damn backyard, behind a six foot privacy fence?!?!

We received a letter in the regular mail from the HOA idiots complaining that we did not have a net on our basketball hoop. Oh the horror!! I think before the kids and I moved down DH received a letter mentioning the weeds in the front planting beds that needed to be removed. Lucky for DH a crew came by one day and asked if he wanted the front beds weeded and mulched. He gladly paid them to do the work. And he also installed a new net on the basketball hoop. We've been in compliance for some time and I figured we wouldn't hear from these idiots again until we needed to replace the net.

However, my bubble burst on Friday. I was hanging out on the couch, cuddling with the kids when someone came to the door. It was Miss Betty, our mail person. She had two things for me to sign. It was a certified letter from our wonderful HOA. I was confused since we had paid our HOA dues on the third of January, but I hadn't heard that they were penalizing anyone paying on that date. So imagine my surprise when I opened the letter. The nazis are complaning about the bricks that surround our walkway and keep the mulch in place. Now mind you, the only improvements we've made to the exterior were two mulch installations (one in the fall, and one early last week) and the basketball net. This house has been here for SEVEN years. And I suspect that the front landscaping has been here about that long.

With my blood boiling I called the HOA and asked to speak with the author of the letter, Heidi. I inquired about the problem and she mentioned something about the bricks and how they either need to have the holes not show, or be mortared into the ground, buried halfway, etc. And I believe that they are also not approved landscaping material. So whatever we do, we have to submit a Modification Application to the f'ing Modifications Board who will then have to pull their thumbs out of their butts to decide whether the landscaping that has been here for I believe seven years can stay, or whether we need to remove and replace it with something else. No matter what we do, we apparently need to ask their permission first. Can you f'ing believe this crap??!!

Then Heidi told me that the only modification that has been approved for this property is the basketball net. Well, call me relieved about that! Phew! Now I didn't ask about the pool in the backyard, but I suspect that that needs to be approved as well. I am half tempted to call and ask for an inspection while DH and I are both home so that we can find out what other SEVEN YEAR OLD capital improvements have not been board approved. Then again, I think I'd rather just let sleeping dogs lie.

In my research over the weekend I found the former owner's phone number, so I need to call her and inquire about who did the landscaping and pool construction and when these were installed. I may even ask her if she has records proving the age of these things. I don't know if it will help our case, but I'll be damned if the HOA is going to make us change things that have been here for SEVEN LONG YEARS without a fight. I'll email two attorneys I used to work with and see if they can recommend anyone down here if we need representation, and I'm researching the two local counties' Dispute Resolution Centers (we live in one county, the HOA is located in the other).

Meanwhile, all of this leaves me very nonplussed about the entire HOA. When we bought the house I insisted on having a kid-safe pool fence installed around the perimeter of the pool. DH was to do this before the kids and I moved down. He tried a few times to call the HOA and speak to someone regarding getting approval for the pool fence. He left messages and no one, NO ONE, ever called him back. So we said "F*** it" and just went ahead and did it. I need to scour our/his phone records to document his calls to the HOA. There is no clear rule against pool enclosures, nor is there any rule seemingly against semi-permanent structures in the backyard. However, I can just imagine that these idiots will try to pull some crap about the pool, pool decking, and fence as their next move.

I'm so f'ing pissed that I want to move, but I'm too lazy to get the house ready to sell, and it seems that this freaking state is FULL of communities with HOAs. We'd probably have to be millionaires to buy a piece of land to build on before we'll get away from the seeming HELL of HOAs. UGH!