What a nightmare

Tis the season. I found my more precious decorations, which were stored in the house, yesterday and continued decorating for the holidays. As I decorated the tree, I thought about the ornaments as I put them on the tree. There was the mirrored cowboy hat, which I received the year I was pg with S. The person who gave it to me was a Texan and member of the expecting board I was on. Then I unpacked the ornaments I received in 2003, 2004 and 2005 from that same board's ornament exchange. I thought back fondly on all the memories of these wonderful ladies, our laughs and our tears. And again it hit me. I am sad and lonely. And I cried.

I moved here, away from my friends, voluntarily over a year ago. Since then, I've managed to lose nearly every single one of my online friends. I've been dealing with this sense of loss and isolation for a few months now, but the feeling has become particularly acute now.

To make matters worse, DS is sick. He's wheezing and coughing. Last night we pulled out the big guns and started giving him xopenex in the nebulizer. He got nebbed right before bed and went down easily. However, about 4 hours later, he got up and was roaming the halls upstairs. DH got him settled back in bed, where he stayed for maybe an hour before he visited us. This time I took him back upstairs and tried to sleep with him for about two hours. However, between his fever and the coughing, I could tell he wasn't getting any rest and neither was I. At 4am, I gave up, took him downstairs and gave him more motrin, cough medicine and another neb treatment. Then I put him back in his bed and went to cuddle with B, who had come down and asked me to snuggle with her.

It was during the time I was with B, between 5 and 9am, that I had the nightmare. During the last two weeks I have called my parents and have had trouble reaching them; either they're out, Mom is working late, or other excuses. The last time they were this evasive was when Mom was diagnosed with bre*st cancer and didn't want to tell my grandmother or me until after our birthdays. In my nightmare we were visiting my parents, who were acting a little strange. I kept prodding them to tell me what was wrong, when they finally admitted that my grandmother had died. They didn't want to upset me before the trip north, so they didn't tell me until I had arrived. If I remember the dream correctly, my trip was scheduled about a week after her passing, so they didn't tell me, held the funeral without me, and then I arrived. I was so upset and hurt.

So here I am, still upset by this dream. The irony of me being deceived with respect to what happened to my online friends has not gone unnoticed, and I've been reflecting about that a great deal today. Meanwhile, not a day goes by that I don't think of them, wonder how they are, and wish I hadn't hurt them.

I've got to call my folks and check on Granny.