Five years later: memories and tributes

Me: It was a beautiful morning. I remember that the lead story on the Today show was Michael Jordan coming out of retirement. DH and I got B dressed and then the three of us headed out to work/school. B and I were listening to my favorite NY radio station, WPLJ, as we always did, during the hour long commute to my office in central NJ. I dropped her off at her room at daycare, and left the daycare center. As I walked out, I took a deep breath, and looked at the sky. The weather was amazing -- the sky was a bright blue, and there were no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was perfect, not too hot, not too cool. It was a beautiful day, and it was a shame that I'd be spending it in the office.

It was a brief, half mile drive from the center's building to my office. In the two of three minutes of that trip, I heard the DJ's talking about something strange with the traffic reporter. They were describing something about a plane and a building. They had a TV on, perhaps Channel 7 (ABC) since the traffic reporter did the live traffic reports for Good Morning America as well. As I was putting it all together and realizing that they were talking about a plane hitting a building, I heard them on the radio. They were describing seeing the plane hit the WTC. At first they thought it was a replay, but then realized it was a second jet. Todd Pettingill said, "That was no accident." My mind reeled.

I parked my car and hurried into my building as quickly as I could. As I passed my coworker Cindy, I said, "Horrible day." Once at my desk, I logged on to my computer and tried to get onto msnbc.com or cnn.com. Also, I turned on the radio, and tried to get one of the two local NJ stations that we received inside our brick fortress of an office. Reception for NJ101.5 was best, so that's what we listened to all day. They had callers calling in from everywhere with eyewitness accounts. The worst one was the sound byte they repeated all day long, of a caller witnessing the collapse of the south tower. It took a while before I realized it was the same sound byte; I kept thinking other buildings were collapsing.

I called my mom at her office, but was told that she was at a doctor's appointment. So I called my parents' house and reached my grandmother. She hadn't seen the news, so I told her to ignore my ranting. She didn't know where my father was, so I gave up calling people for the time being. Once we heard that a plane had crashed into the Pentagon, and that rumors were flying that cars were exploding in the Pentagon parking lots, I decided to call my aunt in northern Virginia. My uncle was working at the time for a government agency, and I feared for his safety and also that of my two cousins, who also worked for government agencies or contractors. I was able to reach my aunt, who hadn't heard from my uncle. She said that his office had an emergency procedure in place, where the employees would be taken to a safe area in case of emergency. We assumed that was where he went. To this day I haven't found out where he did go. My one cousin left her office in NoVA for her boyfriend's apartment, since it was in a much safer area. My other cousin and I were in email contact throughout the day and I begged her to leave her office ASAP. Finally she left and arrived at her home safely.

Photo of my co-worker's daughter Alisa. The TV in our cafeteria was playing CNN. The headline read "America Under Attack." I was asked my my coworker Melissa to wait to go to lunch and cover her phone. Her eldest daughter worked in the World Financial Center, and had called Melissa right after the first plane hit. She was just coming out from the subway when the plane hit, and debris fell all around her. In order to appease her mother's fears, Alisa called her mother to say she was alright, in case she had already heard about the accident. While they were on the phone, the second plane hit, and Alisa was pelted with rubble. She screamed and her phone went dead. Melissa wanted to see the TV coverage in the cafeteria, but needed someone to watch her phone, and I happily agreed. Alisa didn't call, but a friend of hers did, and I was thrilled to receive the call. Alisa had been at his place, and was headed uptown. She was safe.

My boss, whose birthday was the previous day, and a few other people huddled around my desk to listen to the radio. My boss' husband was a private pilot. I think she shared the same personal horror that I did. My father is a pilot. What would you do to prevent someone from taking over your cockpit or your aircraft? I believe in my heart that the flight crews fought to the death to protect their passengers and aircraft. I shed a tear for the passengers, and for those office workers. I was certain in those early moments that the death toll would be in the tens of thousands.

I grabbed some lunch in the cafeteria, and watched the replay of the fall of the towers. I hadn't beleived when Cindy and Melissa told me that there was nothing left. How certain I was that only the top floors had collapsed onto the areas below where the planes had hit. I was down in the cafeteria with Cyndy that I used to work with; we watched in stunned silence. "All those people who didn't make it out," I said, trying to cry, but unable to.

DH called me and I made some lame excuse about being afraid to cross the bridges back into PA. I was going to my parents' house for the night. Honestly, I didn't want to be further from NYC than I had to be, nor did I want to watch some idiots from Philly talk to me about what was going on in My City. As we were talking, DH mentioned Chris. Chris who? I wondered. DH reminded me that his BIL's brother, Chris, was a firefighter and worked building collapses and rescues. That was his specialty. Was Chris OK? Surely he had been called. Surely he was there. Surely he'd be alright.

I finally couldn't take it at work any longer. My best friend was temping for a department at the other end of my office complex. Her EMS unit had been called up to go to Liberty State Park and await casualties. I told her to be careful and that I loved her. The bridges to NYC were closed; traffic was becoming a nightmare. As was usual for my conservative company, once the roads were closed due to flooding or snow, that's when they'd close the office. So once interstate travel became impossible, they allowed employees living in NY to leave. And then they let the rest of us leave as well. I walked out of the office to a silent world. Instead of hearing traffic, or seeing airplanes heading to Philly or Newark, I heard only birds. It was surreal to hear only nature, and it was to be that way for days to come.

I picked up B at the day care center and then headed to my parents' house where I immediately put the TV on Channel 7 (ABC) in NY, as I preferred them to the other two channels (Channel 2 - CBS and Channel 4 - NBC). Channel 4 (NBC) had lost their antenna, and was off the air, so the Philly affiliate was broadcasting in their stead. I thanked God that B was young enough that she wouldn't remember seeing the footage that was replayed endlessly.

Once my father arrived home, I greeted him at the door. I can still remember how he greeted me: "Helluva world to be raising kids, huh?" I firmly resolved to raise B, and any other children we'd have, as loving accepting people.

I cried myself to sleep, and awoke the next morning to another beautiful day. For one brief, shining moment, as I fully awakened, I believed it was all a terrible dream. But then the horror and dread returned. Of course it had happened. Otherwise, B and I would have spent the night at our own home.

--more to come tomorrow--

Photo of Chris, DH's BIL's brother, a firefighter who perished on Sept. 11, 2001. He was a 20 year veteran of the FDNY and was highly decorated.